Life Lessons

You are a grown-ass man with a faux-hawk ordering red-bull and vodka with grenadine. What fucking life-altering piece of advice could you possibly give me?


Here is your daily dose of Rouse's goodness:

More from Rouses

Bad pick-up line

Last night a girl told me this gem that a guy tried to use on her earlier. "Hey, I've got ground beef in my backpack. Wanna come over and cook it for me?"

Rouses grocery store cashier's names

A Drinking Problem

This story happened a while back but I just thought about it recently so I thought I would share. A woman came in and ordered a "Voka Cranburry" (not a typo). I had been busy that evening and ran out of straws. I made her drink and apologized for the lack of a straw. She looked at me with the most confused look on her face and asked "How My 'posed to drank it?". "Maybe you can lay down on your back and have someone pour it in your mouth" was my reply.

Why I never answer the phone....

I usually never answer the business phone when I am working because it is never important. It is usually someone asking stupid questions, the wrong number, or in the early morning someone who has something very urgent to speak to the owner about but not urgent enough to leave a name a number to call back.
So last night the phone rings at work about 3 A.M. I am pretty slow and kind of bored so I answer it.

Him: Uh yeah, I was calling 'cause I knew you guy were open 24 hours...
Me: Okaaaayyy.....
Him: Yeah, I was wondering if you knew of a bar called the Stil.(Not sure if this was the actual name but that's what it sounded like)
Me: Uhhhhh
Him: Yeah it's spelled S T I L.
Me: Never heard of it
Him: Okay, Thanks. (Hangs up)

WTF?

Partial conversation overheard at bar

Man... I broke my tooth on that bitch's ass....

The Spoils Of Comic Con 2014

CASSANDRA PETERSON (A.K.A. Elvira)
Cassandra Peterson was one of my favorites at Comic Con. Elvira is smoking hot but honestly Cassandra with out the make-up is even more bewitching.

PAM GRIER
Pam Grier was a sweetheart and still smoking hot. She had a terrific smile and a terrifying look in her eye that said "I will cut you". I opted not to ask her to touch her boobs. She noticed my Cockface Killer hoodie and read the "No Sex Is Safe Sex" slogan on it. I explained it was a horror comedy sexploitation movie. Her eyes lit up a little and she said sexploitation movies were good. She also thanked me for supporting independent film.

ROBERT ENGLUND
Robert Englund is Freddy no matter who they try to replace him with. Robert seemed nice and all but had little time for small talk. He didn't seem like he wanted to be there at all. Clearly he has been working the convention circuit way too long and has better thing to do. He seemed to keep looking at his watch every few seconds.

ROB GUILLORY
Rob is a down to earth artist from Lafayette, Louisiana for one of my favorite comics, CHEW. Chew is one of the most unique non-superhero comics out there. BUY THESE BOOKS! I promise you will not be disappointed...

NEAL ADAMS
Chances are if you have ever read a comic from DC or Marvel you have probably held some Neal Adams art in your grubby little hands. From Batman to X-Men Neal has defined comic art since I was a kid. I got a couple of cool prints which he signed for me. He seemed a little confused on why the Mr.T prints kept selling...I pity the fool!

Ciroc

Her: You ain't got no Ciroc?
Me: Yes and no
Her: What you mean?
Me: I wasn't sure if you were making a statement or asking a question. If you were stating that I "ain't got no Ciroc" you are correct. If that clusterfuck of a sentence was a question, then no I "ain't go no Ciroc".
Her: So no Ciroc?
Me: Nope
Her: But I only drank Ciroc....

Why trying to make small talk is pointless sometimes....

Me:How are you tonight?
Him:Budweiser
Me:Yeah, I was feeling a little Coors Light earlier but now I'm like Miller Time...What can I get for you?
Him:Budweiser

Jukeboxes suck

Post by Sean Motola.

Best Tip Never!

What's Happenin' Captain?

Him: Let me get a Captain Jack and Coke.
Me:A what?
Him:Captain Jack and Coke..
Me:So you want Captain Morgan, with Jack Daniels and Coke.
Him:No,just Captain Jack and Coke.
Me:I don't have anything called Captain Jack. Do you mean Captain Morgan?
Him: Yeah that..

Photo by:Gage Skidmore

Dat green beer...

Him-"Gimmie a Rock-N-Roll"
Me-"You wanna play Led Zeppelin or something the jukebox is over there."
Him-"Huh? No, gimme a Rock-N-Roll in a bottle."
Me-"I'm sure the jukebox has the Police. Message in a Bottle...they play it all the time..."
Him-"Naw man, that beer in the green bottle.."
Me-"Oh!",Acting suprised,"You mean Rolling Rock?"
Him-"Yeah! That one!"

I agree....

Post by Sean Motola.

Yeah this happened....

A guy came in with two chicks and ordered a few drinks. He lays down a five dollar tip. I am busy and can't scoop it up quick enough. His girlfriend picks up the five and after a short discussion the five is replaced with two singles.

Shirts and shit

So I have Decided to try my hand at T-shirt design. Check out my portfolio so far...more to come.

Fq league again

I beat Stoney Tony tonight.. Go hot garbage

Another weds night

Playing pool at rendezvous. French quarter pool league. Our team, hot garbage is 3-5. Me personally am 1-4. Need the win tonight......I lost again. This season is in the toilet... 1-5 fuuuuuuck!

If only it was that simple...

The other day I found this image on TheChive.com. Working in a bar, I realized how this approach could solve a lot of problems. Imagine it's 5am in a bar with mostly guys who have failed to "hook-up" with a young drunk hottie. A female enters the bar. The music and time seem to stop as all eyes target the poor woman who has just walked through the door. Before she can get to the bar it's as if an injured baby seal swam into shark infested waters. They begin to circle. They are all unaware this woman just got off of work and all she wants to do is sit down, have a cocktail, smoke a few cigarettes, and be left alone. Unfortunately this shall not be. One by one they take turns trying to buy her a drink or engage in small talk. Sooner than later the woman becomes annoyed and exits, leaving me with a bunch of dude once again. There needs to be a way for guys to know which girls are approachable and which ones should be left alone. Maybe a sign like a facebook status? This may not work because most guys are terrible at reading signs, even if they are blunt and to the point. I was going to photoshop this picture with suggestions; but I am far too lazy so you will have to use your imagination. Here are some of my ideas:
"Leave me alone!"
"Not interested"
"I am lonely, please talk to me."
"No thanks! I'm fine."
"You have nothing to offer"
"Fair game"

This started to seem a little too complicated. I think a simpler solution would be similar to a stop light.

A green light would mean I am presently available for interaction with anyone. I'm here to party! Let the good times roll!

A yellow light would mean approach with caution. May interact with the right person.

A red light would mean NO. DO NOT APPROACH! DO NOT OFFER TO BUY ME A DRINK! LEAVE ME ALONE!

A green light that turns yellow in the middle of a conversation could mean I thought you were harmless at first and now you are starting to creep me out. Please gracefully say goodbye and walk away before the light turns red.


I know none of these ideas would solve all of the problems but maybe it's a start. for now I guess I will just have to sit back and watch the shit show unfold.